For my pal Anthony Lee on the eve of his first high-speed connection.

(with apologies to Don Henley)

(original lyrics at http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eagles/lifeinthefastlane.html )

He was a hard-headed man

He was brutally handsome, and it was terminally shitty

He called them up, and they held him for ransom in the heart

of the cold, cold city

He had a nasty reputation with a modem dude

They said he was pageless, they said he was queued

His was connection was common

not a single LED

He’d say, ‘Faster, faster. The lights oughta be turnin’ red.”

Life in the slow lane

Surely make you lose your mind, mm

Are you with me so far?

Eager for action and hot for the game

The coming attraction, the drop of a name

He knew all the right people, he took

all the right pills

He had outrageous wait times, he paid dialup bills

There were lines on the floor, lines on his face

he pretended not to notice, he was caught up

in the race

Up every evening, until it was light

He was too tired to read it, he was too tired

to fight about it

Life in the slow lane

Surely make you lose your mind

Life in the slow lane, not a thing any time

Life in the slow lane, uh huh

Blowin’ and burnin’, blinded by thirst

He didn’t see the POP sign,

took an email for the worse

He said, “Listen, baby. You can hear the dialup

ring. We’ve been up and down this server;

haven’t seen a goddam thing.”

He said, “Call the guru. I think I’m gonna crash.”

“The guru say he’s comin’, but you gotta pay him cash.”

He went rushin’ down that freeway,

messed around and got TOS’d

He didn’t care he was dyin’ to get TROFF’d

And it was life in the slow lane

Life in the slow lane