Life in the Slow Lane

For my pal Anthony Lee on the eve of his first high-speed connection.

(with apologies to Don Henley)

(original lyrics at

He was a hard-headed man
He was brutally handsome, and it was terminally shitty
He called them up, and they held him for ransom in the heart
of the cold, cold city

He had a nasty reputation with a modem dude
They said he was pageless, they said he was queued
His was connection was common
not a single LED
He’d say, ‘Faster, faster. The lights oughta be turnin’ red.”

Life in the slow lane
Surely make you lose your mind, mm

Are you with me so far?

Eager for action and hot for the game
The coming attraction, the drop of a name
He knew all the right people, he took
all the right pills
He had outrageous wait times, he paid dialup bills

There were lines on the floor, lines on his face
he pretended not to notice, he was caught up
in the race

Up every evening, until it was light
He was too tired to read it, he was too tired
to fight about it

Life in the slow lane
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the slow lane, not a thing any time
Life in the slow lane, uh huh

Blowin’ and burnin’, blinded by thirst
He didn’t see the POP sign,
took an email for the worse

He said, “Listen, baby. You can hear the dialup
ring. We’ve been up and down this server;
haven’t seen a goddam thing.”
He said, “Call the guru. I think I’m gonna crash.”
“The guru say he’s comin’, but you gotta pay him cash.”

He went rushin’ down that freeway,
messed around and got TOS’d
He didn’t care he was dyin’ to get TROFF’d
And it was life in the slow lane
Life in the slow lane

One thought on “Life in the Slow Lane

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: