Fireworks Frustration and a Proposal

First posted on Nextdoor in response too all the citizens complaining about firework noise, pet and human discomfort.

There’s solutions. Let’s find one.

I love fireworks but NOT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD or near my HOUSE.

Here’s what I said in the public square. I have no doubt I’m about to be excoriated for my temerity.

Do your worst.

Suggestion for allowing fireworks that protects the pets, citizen and property

How about taking some funding from police patrols (NOT DEFUNDING, repurposing) a separate division called ‘Noise Patrol’ that had unarmed officers with Fire Marshall training and video-enabled vehicles.

Enforcement would be a simple drive-by (no lead involved, only silicon). This Patrol could also backup animal control and wildlife management, provide quick disaster evaluation as well as extra eyes for our local public tv station, on-site assist for accidents. Make the video feed live to the public via the tv stations to our spiffy fiber network as an on-demand channel.

Oh, for automatically locating the fireworks, – exists.

We have the hardware, the software, the know-how. Just need the WILL. (looks at dispatcher). Think there’s any hope of a simple, mostly-automated system?

Heck, you could even USE the data to gauge which parts of town NEED an extra firehouse and Urgent Care center. If the kids in the part of town like to burn down their house and blast their hands off, at least they’ll have to resources to get put out and patched up.

Let’s save the officers with expensive and hard-won battlefield training for those situations CALLING for life and death rules of engagement. Which fireworks ain’t.


As a cherry on top of this whole pile of whine, I’ve more than once suggested that there be ‘DESIGNED FIREWORKS ZONES’ in several large outdoor venues. Have a team of firemen (maybe even our bomb squad) show up at each one, offer free how-to’s on using pyrotechnics (god forbid folks LEARN to USE fireworks properly or even (gasp!)(Estes rockets) – I mean, who DON’T like watchin’ shit blowed up GOOD.

Do it where there’s lower housing density (out in the country – social distancing room AND get the kids near a farm!) so the pets and people don’t get freaked out.

For god’s sake SCHEDULE it so the non-fireworks lovers can congregate on the OTHER side of the city and maybe even WATCH via City Live Feed (we own a TV station).

Food trucks could set up around a big projection tv or some shit and make some damn money again. Again, outdoors, social distanced, masked up. No one’s dog, kids or self gets tortured all night, fireworks lovers get what they want, my damn house doesn’t get burnt down.

I know, no fistfights, no court battles, so simple. Probably never work. Go ahead, poo all over the idea. But God forfends that we try and find a middle ground and solve this like rational human beings. Far be it from ME to even TRY to emulate one. /rant

Comments welcome.

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