M. Douglas Wray

Classified

If you’ve never heard this song by the man who made the song ‘Convoy’ famous, you’re in for a treat. Same ‘storyteller’ style but very fast, complicated ‘lyrics’ (it doesn’t really rhyme) and hilarious story. Get a copy of the MP3 from somewhere, then sit down and TRY to follow along. I dare ya. How he managed to remember this entire saga is a feat unto itself. Definitely transcends the typical Country/Western genre.

Classified
C.W. McCall

I ‘as thumbin’ through the want ads
In the Shelby County Tribune
When this classified advertisement caught my eye
It said take immediate delivery
On this ’57 Chevrolet
Half ton pickup truck
Will sell or swap for a hide-a-bed an’ thirty five bucks
Call one four O, ring two and ask for Bob
Well I called Bob up on the telephone
He says “Hello this is Bob Speakin'”
I says is this here the Bob got the pickup truck for sale
He says “Yeah” I says where are ya
He says “fourteen east on county twelve
Turn right on the one lane gravel road,
You can park in the yard, beware of the dog
Wipe yer feet off, knock three times’n bring yer billfold
Well I tooled on east on county twelve
Turned right on the one lane gravel road
And I parked in the yard and a German Sheppard come out’n grabbed onto my leg
Then I knocked three times’n wiped my feet
The dog let go an’ the screen door opened
And Bob come out’n says “whadaya want”
I says I come to see yer truck
He says “follow me…come on Frank”…Dogs name is Frank
Well we all went passed the chicken house
Through the hog pen and down to the tractor shed
And then wound up in back of the barn in afield of cow pies
And settin’ right there in a pool of grease was a half ton Chevy pickup truck
With a nineteen sixty license plate
A bumper sticker that says vote for Dick
And a Brillo box full of rusty parts
And Bob says “Whadaya think?”
Well I kicked the tire and then got in the seat
And set on a petrified apple core
And found a bunch of field mice livin’ in the glove compartment
He says “her shaft is bent and the rear end leaks
You can fix ‘er quick with an oily rag
Use a nail to start her, I lost the key
Don’t pay no mind to that whirin’ sound
She’ll use a little oil, but outside of that she’s a cherry
I says what’ll it take
He says “whadaya got”
I says twenty eight dollars and fifteen cents
He says “you got a deal, sign here
I’ll go get the title an’ a can full of gas
I put the nail in the slot and fired her up
And she coughed and belched up a bunch of smoke
And I backed her right through the hog pen into the yard
Well Frank jumped in and bit my leg
And I beat him off with a crowbar
He jumped on out an’ the door fell off
And the left front tire went flat
I jacked it up and patched the tube
And Frank tore a piece of my shirt off
Then Bob come out an’ called him off
Says “you better get on outta here
I went left on the one lane gravel road
Went fourteen west on county twelve
Took two full quarts of forty weight oil just to get her to the Conoco station
And I pulled up to the regular pump
And then Harold Sykes an’ his kid come out
Said “I’ve seen better stuff in a junkyard
And where’d you ever get that truck
I said that’s a long story Harold
I’as thumbin’ through the want ads
In the Shelby County Tribune
When this classified advertisement caught my eye
It said take immediate delivery
On this ’57 Chevrolet
Half ton pickup truck
Will sell or swap for a hide-a-bed an’ thirty five bucks
Call one four O, ring two and ask for Bob…

Posted in memory of Scott Stebbins, who would routinely recite it when multiple sheets to the wind.

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