M. Douglas Wray

What I Believe

Some of the most poignant things ever said to me was that I had ‘…a heart of gold…’ and ‘…a lot of heart…’ – because, to a very large degree, I give a damn about people and life in general and despise the Darkness of ignorance and the hideous wastes it causes, the lives and progress it ruins. The TIME it wastes! Serving the Light and honoring the Goddess has always led me to better places and helped me do greater things.

When I was young, I lived in a very small town. It was, in some ways, idyllic – and, being white and working-class, I enjoyed most of the benefits of that privilege. I also got a ringside seat for some of the most vicious hatred I’d ever seen in my life. Every racial minority had its own nickname that WOULD be used by YOU or ELSE. It was an obvious indoctrination that I’ve spent the last several decades undoing. Oh, and the same was true for the poor – anyone who simply couldn’t ‘cut it’ (great term, typifies the mentality of the right, weapon in hand) financially was an object of scorn and frank hatred since they were bogging down the System. Absolutely zero compassion. Best negative role models I ever had. Thanks guys.

The same was true for women. I was told, explicitly and repeatedly that women were obviously inferior, could never, ever, ever (laughingly!) be legislators let alone President. No, women were for breeding purposes and entertainment – oh, and to be mocked and abused at every turn because, well, it’s our RIGHT as MEN. Being young, I didn’t realize the implication that not playing along made you an immediate and amplified target for the abuse. OH yes, you were a girl (because that is the worst thing a MAN could be, LIKE A WOMAN. THE HORROR). Frankly, I didn’t get it. Mom could kick my ass at will and theirs as well. She told dad things he couldn’t (wouldn’t?) remember and did all the detailed work along with cooking, cleaning, and keeping us out of his face. The disrespect for women by some of the men around me was grating and revolting even then. I have to thank those… creatures… most of all for inspiring me to be kind. I doubt that I have ever met people less compassionate.

Then there were the real human men in my life. My uncle Les with three daughters and one son, one of the brightest lights in my life – clearly respected his wife (my mother’s sister) and treated her with obvious respect. It was at his knee that I learned the meaning of the word ‘cherish’ and how important it was. My aunt was a lovely, strong woman with a towering soul that inspires me to this day. The other word that came home to me here was ‘matriarch’ – she was the archetype of it.

My uncle Bob, a source of great Joy and proof that life was not the endless uphill toil of pushing the stone, but the Joy of reaching the top and celebrating the achievement. Pure spontaneity, uproarious laughter (unseemly in regular men…!) and open, frank opinions. HONESTY. Damn, I miss you, Bob. The world needs you right now. My uncle treated my Aunt Gwen with such love and tenderness it still touches my heart. Honor was the word he taught me.

I went on to life’s tasks and toils, moved west and started my own life. Went to tech school in California and worked my way through. During the process I began using cannabis for recreation – drinking wasn’t something I could do successfully and still make grades. Also, I just never really got used to drinking solvents recreationally. Cannabis was so much more benign.

Also, for the first time in my life, with cannabis, I was able to overcome the hypervigilance that the abuse in my childhood had instilled in me. I was able to actually focus and concentrate my mind on a task – my grades improved. My instructors noticed.

The Goddess had blessed me with her greatest gift: insight into myself.

The awakening was not without its bumps (and grinds) and, predictably, the shadows found me and came like ravenous dogs. What I learned then was that Life Never Gives Up.

The inner sight I gained lit a fire in me that is yet incandescent.

The ONLY way the darkness wins is if we let it. Simply fighting the Fight is not enough. The Light never wavers. It is the perfect line. The edge, the terminator, the boundary.

I believe you must set boundaries with the darkness and never let them move, regardless of the cost – because the real cost of backing away is to lose ground against a foe that sides with entropy – and the death of everything. NOPE. BIG NOPE.

Just a little light reading for all the trolls out there today.

I’ll never stop fighting you – here and then on whatever plane I land after this one.

You will not win, not as long as my light burns.

I believe this to be true and lead my life by it.

I welcome all who join me.

You are needed.

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