Bagpipes (mp3)

John Newton (1725-1807)
Stanza 6 anon.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T’was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
‘Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we’ve been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’ve first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

I swear sometimes God is standing right next to me with His hand on my heart.

I’m trying to go on, but when a song touches ‘the one within’ part of me bursts into flame and my grief becomes incandescent agony.

I miss you Didi. Thank you for sending Tammi. She knows this pain and she helps me as I help her grieve for her beloved Scott.

I’m glad you’re someplace where pain can no longer touch you.

Remember when it rained

by Josh Groban

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.

Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
I felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the water I remain
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down

Comes a vintner now
eager and joyous
blessed by the light
unafraid of the dark
to lead me forth

Working as one
we prune away the dead
shore up the weak
and harvest together
the sweet fruit of life

When the wine is ready
bloody red and warm
fill the cups
brimming full
and raise them high

Let us toast this day
and vow between us
to always drink deep
until the cups are empty
or stricken from our lips

MDW 6/98
to Marilyn on our wedding day

It’s been nearly a year since you left and sometimes I miss you terribly. I know you’re walking with Jesus now and no longer in constant pain – for that I give thanks. But I keep stumbling across little pieces of our life together and the returning memory of your loss shreds this fragile fabric of my life that I’m reweaving.

You still haunt me in my quiet moments, moments you would fill with your voice: talking, laughing, singing. I miss hearing you snore at night. When your favorite of our two cats comes to stand on my chest in the night I can see in her eyes she misses you. And I can’t do a damn thing about it. That knowledge tears open the wound in my heart and I lay there in the dark weeping like a child, futilely wishing I could turn back the hands of time.

I’ve found someone new to love, who loves me as well – and who also lost her first love suddenly. I know you wanted me to go on and be happy in the remainder of my life and I’m trying to honor that. She knows all about you – I think you even met her a couple of times because we used to shop where she worked – that’s how I met her.

I love you baby. I feel so bad I couldn’t save you. I feel bad that you went through chemo, even though we’d talked about it and you swore you wouldn’t – so I know you did it for me. And worst of all, after all the pain, the injections, the scans and feeling miserable it came to naught. Most of all that hurts the worst – that you almost made it back but then were snatched away. The hope that proved false was such a blow to you. And yet you faced the end with courage and dignity. You made all your arrangements quietly, not telling me the awful truth because you knew it would shatter me.

I want you to know that our dear friends all rallied to help me, God bless them every single one. They were like lighthouses on the shore, guiding me away from the rocks and showing me the way back to some semblance of a life.

They knew what losing you meant to me and they’ve all been incredibly supportive of my new partner so that we’re hopeful life will return to some kind of normalcy.

So I keep walking across the ice, trying to avoid the cracks that hurl me into the icy water and leave me gasping in pain.

I’m sure you’re looking down at me just now and I hope  you’re proud of me.

I miss you baby.

Miss you Didi.

Paula Vatrano and Marilyn Wray at Paula's July 8, 2007 birthday party

Marilyn and I loved the Park. I still do.

Here’s some photos from her memorial event there ]]> http://www.macwebguru.com/2010/01/27/rockys-95/feed/ 0 http://www.macwebguru.com/2009/11/28/unseen-homeland/ http://www.macwebguru.com/2009/11/28/unseen-homeland/#comments Sun, 29 Nov 2009 01:40:51 +0000 M. Douglas Wray http://www.macwebguru.com/?p=1652 Continue reading →]]> This is from Marilyn’s friend Kris via her friend Karen and thence her friend Paula to me. I confess I have been remiss in posting this. Each time I looked at the pictures the pain came back – so I filed the message away ‘for another day.’ That day has come, it’s time to say goodbye to my dear wife.

You never got to see Ireland or Scotland as we’d hoped, so I’m hoping your spririt got to see this lovely place. I’m missing you terribly just now hon – and so are your friends.

Here’s the photos and words from her friend Kris:

This is where I spread Marilyn’s ashes.  Will you pass them along for me?

Overlooking Edinburgh was taken from the end of Loch Dunsapie where I spread her ashes.  This looks over the city and on to the Firth of Forth.  At the other end, the road circles around to Arthur’s Seat.  Oh, this Loch is in the Queen’s Park, adjacent to Hollyrood Palace.  It’s full of birds and Swans.

The Swan’s nest is again taken from the spot where I spread the ashes but looking across the Loch.

Google map

Sigh. She was 100% honest and right out front – start to finish.

I still miss her and I always will.

Miss you Didibear…

Hi. I am not sure what to write… so here goes. I am 46/f/Swedish/English/Scottish. I have red curly hair and blue eyes with fair skin. I am about 5’5″ and voluptuous. I am currently a graduate student in clinical social work and work with kids.

I love opera, light rock, the mountains, water, autumn, cooking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, quilting, needlework, baking, hiking, swimming, ballet, and am doing quite well figuring out how to use the internet.

I have never been married (too buzy) and I adopt my friends children. I drive a truck (1978 Ford stepside) and will not part with it under any curcumstances.

I write, sing, play the guitar, and prefer cooler weather. My mothers family are all Canadian and I have lived in Alberta as a child. I have a degree in Criminal Justice, Courts and Law and Social Work with special emphasis in Native Americans.

I, too, have life issues that I am working through. I am also a June baby and have many facets to my personality.

I am looking for a friend, companion, and perhaps a special someone who can eccept me for me. I can be crazy and wild, or quiet and shy. I have lots of energy and love life.

Would like to correspond with you and see where it goes.

Marilyn

I dare not fear, since certainly I know
That I am in God’s keeping, shielded so
From all that else would harm, and in the hour
Of stern temptation strengthened by His power;
I tread no path in life to Him unknown;
I lift no burden, bear no pain, alone:
My soul a calm, sure hiding-place has found:
The everlasting arms my life surround.

God, Thou art love! I build my faith on that.
I know Thee who has kept my path, and made
Light for me in the darkness, tempering sorrow
So that it reached me like a solemn joy;
It were too strange that I should doubt Thy love.
—Robert Browning

Missing you terribly today wife.

Only darkness lies below
clouds and fog shroud the trail
my lungs burn from the effort
of such a terrible climb

I sit for a moment
in a quiet place
remembering
shuddering in horror

I feel the clouds part
and the sun pour down
it’s heat welcome on my closed eyes
as the wind tousles my hair like a mother

The wind gusts now, pushing at my back
I open my eyes, shoulder my burden
and resume the climb
rising with the trail.

MDW 6/26/09
To all those who helped me reach this vantage

God Bless You All

From our last vacation. Half Moon Bay in California.

Marilyn was as happy as a little girl. She wrote that in the sand with her finger and was literally chortling with glee.

My homage to my beloved wife, written on the same beach.

Taken by my friend DJ as I scattered some of Marilyn’s ashes.

Just as I threw them into the surf a seagull swooped by, inches away.

I watched it sweep, crying into the sky.

Fly high little bird.

Fly high.

WOW.

Reviewing my photos so far I was struck by this shot most of all. (More of this location here)

This has been an incredibly stormy period in my life and were it not for the ‘lighthouses’ manned by my friends (Marty and Kate Beier, DJ and Martha, Todd and Rita Lockwood, etc, etc, etc!!) I would surely have crashed on the rocks.

God bless everyone who’s ‘manned the light’ and given me guidance.

The weather is clearing and I feel that soon it will be safe to raise sail once again.

Now that you and my beloved wife have all the time in the universe to get acquainted, I hope the two of you can see how much I cared for you both.

Both of you taught me lessons about courage and honesty – and how they’re inextricably linked. You both taught me about love and honor – and how one can’t flourish without the other… and how they transform your life when both are present in large measure.

I’m a better man for having had you in my life. It wasn’t always easy, but the uphill path never is. The altitude you helped me achieve has given me the persepective to see the arc of my life up to now and informed my choices going forward.

Of all the gifts I’ve received in my life, that is truly the most precious.

I wish you were here Dad… and the wishing tears at me.

I hope you’re happy wherever you are and I’m trying to be happy here without you.

The sun’s shining from a clear blue sky as I sit here in a maelstrom of voices and clattering dishes.

Life goes on, just like a river. It’s paddle or be paddled.

Here’s the evidence, errr photos! (via Flickr)

My favorite shot of the day?

Of course.

I’m wearing a shirt from Exploded128.com – to emphasize the ‘Infinite Loop’-ishness of the scene.

It was like being at Mecca. My invisible propeller-beanie was going so fast I felt light on my feet.

Walked the Labyrinth – what a wonderful experience that is. I highly recommend it.

Then it was off to the Golden Gate – all fogged in but we still managed to get some good shots – especially from the Marin Headlands. Then we went to the Sea Mammal Rescue Center – set in some of the most beautiful countryside imaginable.

Then we circled back to SF and had lunch in Sausalito. Burgers. MMMMM.

I’m working on getting the pix from day four up, went to the Palace of the Legion of Honor and the DeYoung museums. Truly nourishment for the soul!!

burp

This post is dedicated to Diana Forest, who keeps reminding me that we’re all part of the same thing. ‘Drops in the ocean’

I saw this storefront and immediately thought of you.

All is one.

Burn brightly my loved ones.

I’m off to another day of sightseeing and fun.

Pictures from day 1 are loaded up and I’ll be pushing day two’s imagery while I’m out and about today.

Here’s the first batch of images!

There are a lot of duplicates and many need rotated to vertical as well as captioning. Work, work, work! I’m here to PLAY!

Note – all these images are royalty-free, use them any way you like.

What a day I had yesterday! Took 170+ photos as I walked along Fisherman’s Wharf to the cable car turntable, then rode to the top of Broadway and walked back down to the Tortoise. Lovely day and sunny. As per usual, I am a fool and didn’t wear sunscreen:

I’m thinking I need a nice octagonal hat… would make crossing the street quicker.

Also, at night I don’t need a flashlight… my face glows in the dark.

Off to Grace Cathedral to walk their Labyrinth and say another goodbye.

DJ’s picking me up there and we’ll be walking the Golden Gate bridge, then going north to Muir Woods.

I hear you Didibear.

Tupelo Honey by Van Morrisson

You can take all the tea in china
Put it in a big brown bag for me
Sail right around the seven oceans
Drop it straight into the deep blue sea
Shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Shes an angel of the first degree
Shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

You cant stop us on the road to freedom
You cant keep us cause our eyes can see
Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor bent on chivalry
Shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Shes an angel of the first degree
Shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

You cant stop us on the road to freedom
You cant stop us cause our eyes can see
Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor intent on chivalry
Shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Shes an angel of the first degree
Shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

You know shes alright
You know shes alright with me
Shes alright, shes alright (shes an angel)

You can take all the tea in china
Put it in a big brown bag for me
Sail it right around the seven oceans
Drop it smack dab in the middle of the deep blue sea
Because shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Shes an angel of the first degree
Shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

Shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Shes an angel of the first degree
Shes as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like the honey, baby, from the bee
Shes my baby, you know shes alright…..